Why Can't I Speak?
I'm so blooming scared to speak my mind I never realized it so much before. I do fine when I'm talking with people in the context of something else - work or meditation school not a problem. But to talk to people freestyle - I'm fooked and why is that?
People like to tell stories about their lives and for some reason much of the time with most people I don't feel inclined to do so. Part of me says, 'hurr-fuckin'-ah! I'm livin' in the now why blather on about some shit that went down last week let alone 3 years ago that was another lifetime, right?". "Yeah, right on sister, power to the now.", I say to myself.
But there's something I noticed recently while listening to someone spin yarn after yarn: in order to tell the tale you gotta *believe* there's something of interest in whatchoo gotta say *or* you've got an ego the size of Texas and a free pass to speak until everyone else's ears bleed.
Do I believe my life is interesting? Yeah, I must on some level I write this damn blog trying to tie together threads and trains of thought that span a decade and a half of my life as a musician, thinker, meditator, etc., etc. And to me that tying together is *important*. Perhaps it's that the things in my life that I believe in don't make for easy cocktail conversation? Or maybe I'm too hung up on making sure people understand what I have to say? I've been accused in the past of taking myself too seriously .... maybe I've hit the other end of the spectrum?
So what am I doing these days: learning how to make beats and samples using Reason and Recycle and hoping to start sampling some old 4 track recordings I made between '94-'98. I'm thrilled with the following prospects : a) making dance music b) making laptop based music that I can perform with in a live context c) rediscovering the joy of learning how to make music d) lightening the fuck up musically - no more dark shit.
I'm so blooming scared to speak my mind I never realized it so much before. I do fine when I'm talking with people in the context of something else - work or meditation school not a problem. But to talk to people freestyle - I'm fooked and why is that?
People like to tell stories about their lives and for some reason much of the time with most people I don't feel inclined to do so. Part of me says, 'hurr-fuckin'-ah! I'm livin' in the now why blather on about some shit that went down last week let alone 3 years ago that was another lifetime, right?". "Yeah, right on sister, power to the now.", I say to myself.
But there's something I noticed recently while listening to someone spin yarn after yarn: in order to tell the tale you gotta *believe* there's something of interest in whatchoo gotta say *or* you've got an ego the size of Texas and a free pass to speak until everyone else's ears bleed.
Do I believe my life is interesting? Yeah, I must on some level I write this damn blog trying to tie together threads and trains of thought that span a decade and a half of my life as a musician, thinker, meditator, etc., etc. And to me that tying together is *important*. Perhaps it's that the things in my life that I believe in don't make for easy cocktail conversation? Or maybe I'm too hung up on making sure people understand what I have to say? I've been accused in the past of taking myself too seriously .... maybe I've hit the other end of the spectrum?
So what am I doing these days: learning how to make beats and samples using Reason and Recycle and hoping to start sampling some old 4 track recordings I made between '94-'98. I'm thrilled with the following prospects : a) making dance music b) making laptop based music that I can perform with in a live context c) rediscovering the joy of learning how to make music d) lightening the fuck up musically - no more dark shit.
posted by Stacia @ 9:41 PM
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