What Do You Do When The Sound In Your Head Turns Against You?

I'm exhausted.

Last night I reached a breaking point and experienced emotional catharsis.

I've spent god knows how long suppressing the negative and critical voice in my head. Over the last 3 or 4 weeks it's been breaking through self constructed chains of suppression and started seeping out into the daylight of my mind.

It's a painful voice and it's not too friendly with visitors either.

I've known this voice for a long time - it dominated my existence while I was in college studying music. It pulled me apart and warped my reality into a anxiety riddled kaleidoscope. It filled the space inside my head where there could have and *should* have been music, intelligent thoughts and questions, interesting debates and playful arguments.

I used to sit in the piano practice rooms and try to clear it. I don't think that I've experienced anything more painful than being crippled by something that is invisible - something that no one talks about - no one can prescribe a lesson, pill, regime or solvent to cure.

That voice was the catalyst for me to get inside music and study it from every angle. I wanted to outsmart the voice - I wanted to know so much about music from every conceivable perspective that the voice would no longer have a twig of a limb to stand on.

But can you reason with such a thing?

Is scientific knowledge the weapon of choice against the cruelty of self doubt and hatred?

Probably not, the pursuit of tools, strength and cunning make for a rich path but the voice remains. For a position of defense only creates a void and in turn enough space for an offensive strike that reaches underneath the surface and shakes one to the core.

A buddhist would say that it is the perception of the voice as separate from myself that causes suffering.

A friend of mine would suggest you dance with your demons when they come to visit.

I used to feel rage and sorrow in relation to the voice. I got tired of creating from that space and stopped making music. Oddly enough, over the last 6 months music has spontaneously sounded off in my head. I've been listening to it and waiting to know what to do next ....