the way my mind works - the sounds in my head

so much flashing around in my mind these last few days .... trying to focus on work's been a losing proposition.

i just kicked off a new playlist (zero 7's 'Warm Sounds') and as i did i realized that so much of the strife i used to experience on a day to day basis making my way in the world really had a lot to do with how i chose to use my mind. pure and simple.

to be 'blessed' with an analytical mind is to have tools at one's disposal to make one's self crazy.

i think i remember my dad telling me to 'not think so much' or 'to let things go' when i was a little girl. i resented being told to stop using my mind. the analytical mind was my secret weapon - at least in my head - i could explore things that would never so clearly reveal themselves in the reality outside of my mind's eye. conclusions, possibilities, rationals, the future - they all seemed so far from my grasp why not hole up inside my head and play them out myself.

the only problem with this scenario is that the physical world involves time - time for things to play themselves out, time for nature to take its course, time for people to evolve and act on their own accord. my mental understanding of how things could or should be held very little water on the earthly plane where in a sense - time rules. people, situations, energies and dynamics unfold over time in ways that are not easily predictable.

it took me a long time to understand and accept this. all along the way i inadvertently created a mountain of frustration and confusion for myself. "why?" was a question all too often asked. "why?" were things happening in a way that i couldn't make any sense of. it was perplexing and an opportunity i took to go into mass self judgement which only amplified my frustrations.

i don't know how much of my life i enjoyed while i chose to use my mind this way - i reckon on the one hand i loved the secret playland of my head and relished in the notion that i had the capacity to sort it all out upstairs. there was pride and sense of access to a world no one else was privy to - my own private idaho. pleasure and joy on the physical plane was a troubling proposition ..... i wasn't living in present time and i couldn't accept that much as my analytical mind might like to believe it had the answers to everything there were simply things that i didn't know and wouldn't learn until i decided to leave the grist mill inside my cranium and live out my life here on the planet.

now i can, do and more often than not just turn the analyzer knob to 'off' and smile.