The Shelf

I am unpacking my belongings and arranging them in my new apartment here in California.

Moving is an interesting process; it reveals many things about one's relationship with one's things.

I have two bookshelves in my apartment one is tall the other short. The tall bookshelves have doors on the bottom half; the doors conceal the content of the two bottom shelves.

Tonight I unpacked two boxes of music books and they all fit onto the bottom shelf of the tall bookshelf; when I closed the doors I felt strange. These boxes were the last two boxes of books I chose to unpack. I dreaded unpacking them. These books symbolize my attempts to arm myself with knowledge. I feel as though I've failed them and in turn failed any and every one who's obliged me along my path.

I suppose that in truth I haven't failed; the game isn't over and the fat lady certainly hasn't sung. I just STOPPED working because I didn't want to battle anymore.

Maybe as corny as it sounds surrender really is worth something.

I keep listening - the sounds keep coming.

I keep waiting to know what to do next .....

I catch glimpses of what may come - I feel changes in myself. I'm more open to my imagination and at the same time I really notice when I clam up and shut down - my defenses taking hold.

For now, the books are tucked away, behind a set of doors, sitting on a shelf.

What Do You Do When The Sound In Your Head Turns Against You?

I'm exhausted.

Last night I reached a breaking point and experienced emotional catharsis.

I've spent god knows how long suppressing the negative and critical voice in my head. Over the last 3 or 4 weeks it's been breaking through self constructed chains of suppression and started seeping out into the daylight of my mind.

It's a painful voice and it's not too friendly with visitors either.

I've known this voice for a long time - it dominated my existence while I was in college studying music. It pulled me apart and warped my reality into a anxiety riddled kaleidoscope. It filled the space inside my head where there could have and *should* have been music, intelligent thoughts and questions, interesting debates and playful arguments.

I used to sit in the piano practice rooms and try to clear it. I don't think that I've experienced anything more painful than being crippled by something that is invisible - something that no one talks about - no one can prescribe a lesson, pill, regime or solvent to cure.

That voice was the catalyst for me to get inside music and study it from every angle. I wanted to outsmart the voice - I wanted to know so much about music from every conceivable perspective that the voice would no longer have a twig of a limb to stand on.

But can you reason with such a thing?

Is scientific knowledge the weapon of choice against the cruelty of self doubt and hatred?

Probably not, the pursuit of tools, strength and cunning make for a rich path but the voice remains. For a position of defense only creates a void and in turn enough space for an offensive strike that reaches underneath the surface and shakes one to the core.

A buddhist would say that it is the perception of the voice as separate from myself that causes suffering.

A friend of mine would suggest you dance with your demons when they come to visit.

I used to feel rage and sorrow in relation to the voice. I got tired of creating from that space and stopped making music. Oddly enough, over the last 6 months music has spontaneously sounded off in my head. I've been listening to it and waiting to know what to do next ....

How To Create When The Impetus For Creation Is Not Reaction?

I'm stumped. I know the information that I need to answer this question for myself is lurking around underneath other layers of information in my psyche but right now, I'm not sure where it is precisely and how to gain access to it.

I've given up creating art be it music, writing, computer programs as a reaction. It's time to evolve past this way of doing things. I no longer find much satisfaction in the process or results. Plus employing this method means having to have something to react to. I never liked the dynamic of this equation; it sets up unhealthy dependencies.

So how now?

Over the last 6 months I've noticed a couple of people talking about creating with such ease and joy it's stopped me in my tracks. Green with envy, I listened closely, searching for clues to the mystery of how. As far as I can tell, they seem to approach creation the way I think about visualization and imagination which incidentally are two words I've come to better understand over the last couple of years. They create, develop, and modify out of thin air for sheer pleasure. Thus, they exist without the need for a catalyst. The entrance price for this approach. Belief in one's right to create.

Without too much analysis, I'd guess that up until now I'd not believed in my right to create. Without a catalyst, I had no permission to create.

Validation? We don't need no stinking validation!

From Merriam-Webster:

Validation

Function: noun
: an act, process, or instance of validating; especially : the determination of the degree of validity of a measuring device

Valid

Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle French or Medieval Latin; Middle French valide, from Medieval Latin validus, from Latin, strong, from valEre
1 : having legal efficacy or force; especially : executed with the proper legal authority and formalities a valid contract
2 a : well-grounded or justifiable : being at once relevant and meaningful a valid theory b : logically correct a valid argument valid inference
3 : appropriate to the end in view : EFFECTIVE every craft has its own valid methods
4 of a taxon : conforming to accepted principles of sound biological classification

My friend, validation. I look for it everywhere.

I envy people who live without the need for validation. Those who say "I don't give a damn what anyone else thinks" and really mean it.

The question is why do I give a damn?

In my mind, validation paves the way for shared understanding. What value does shared understanding have if no one gives a damn what anyone else thinks? But now I'm getting pessimistic.

Ugh - I'm working in an environment where I'm being encouraged to go off and basically find things to do for myself. This is not how I tend to work comfortably. I like having a handle on the big picture and working towards it with a lot of group consensus. This type of environment tends to breed a lot of validation.

But it seems I'm living in different times now and need to adapt.

I guess I need to be looking to myself for the validation.

I think this is a key to a block in my musical development although off the top of my head I can think of big period of my life where I most certainly did not seek validation for my music and ideas about music. In fact, I actively convinced myself that my path and ideas where right on the money *because* I didn't trust the sources of validation around me.

Where did my self propulsion engine go and why'd I trade it in for validation?