The Sound In Your Head

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Where Are The Sheep Of Yourself?

Here's the loose transcript of my sermon from a couple of weeks ago:

Say hello to yourself and your meditation space. Before I begin I'd like to ask that you just take a moment to acknowledge any aspects of yourself that are hanging out somewhere outside yourself today for whatever reason. As you acknowledge them notice how these aspects or parts of yourself contribute to the whole picture of who you are.

I'm going to read a passage from Ezekiel today:

"The word of the Lord came to me: Mortal, prophesy against the shepherds of Israel: prophesy, and say to them - to the shepherds: Thus says the Lord God: Ah, you shepherds of Israel who have been feeding yourselves! Should not shepherds feed the sheep? You eat the fat, you clothe yourselves with the wool, you slaughter the fatlings; but you do not feed the sheep."

This passage asks the question - should we not nourish that which nourishes us?

Has our attention, awareness, and energy been focused on so much 'other' happening outside of ourselves that we forget to take the time to cultivate that within ourselves that we know sustains us?

It is easy to take that which is seemingly abundant for granted; afterall it is abundant and those 'other' things that seem scarce or rare often appear more interesting. We may think that perhaps if we can get them we too will be more interesting.

But what happens when along the quest for the illusive other we take for example our own health and well being for granted?

Eventually, our vitality suffers whether it's our spiritual or physical vitality; we may become sick or weak. This is when we can really get into some trouble as our attention is focused outside of ourselves and inside we are compromised.

It can often be difficult to bring our attention back to ourselves when things aren't easy and abundant. We say to ourselves - 'ewww, this is hard, I don't want to be sick, I hate feeling run down' whatever the story line and once again we've failed to connect and tend to ourselves.

From Ezekiel:

"You have not strengthened the weak, you have not healed the sick, you have not brought back the strayed, you have not sought the lost, but with force and harshness you have ruled them."

So, what might be the ruling as it applies to how we related to these neglected parts of ourselves?

Could it simply be that we stop identifying with our own weakness or unfavorable aspects of who we are and rather than embracing and coming into affinity with them we work hard to separate from them because we don't want to deal with them?

From Ezekiel:

"So they were scattered, because there was no shepherd; and scattered, they became food for all the wild animals. "

And this is where life can get very complicated - when we walk the earth with parts of ourselves scattered through separation and lack of affinity we inadvertently become prey to the wild animals of all kinds of things ... advertisements, friends, or family, doctors, will tell us of a cure will heal us, or give us more energy, make us look 10 years younger, make us stronger, give us a better life, give us that other that we were searching for while taking our own health, well being and internal riches for granted. In short we become vulnerable to other people's information and ideas.

And you can ask yourself, is this such a bad thing?

From Ezekiel:

"My sheep were scattered, they wandered over all the mountains and on ever high hill; my sheep were scattered over all the face of the earth, with no one to search or seek for them."

It is not so much that other people's information and ideas are bad or wrong the tricky bit is that we are no longer seeking within for our own information and wisdom. Our attention continues to be focused outside of ourselves and the wisdom we possess to nourish ourselves is forgotten.

How would it be if we rescued the parts of ourselves scattered on the mountains or lost in the darkness? What would it look like if we shifted our attention from the outside and the other inward to heal and integrate those parts of ourselves that we've separated from? What riches might we rediscover as we nourished the aspects of ourselves once abundant that we may have taken for granted?

I invite you this week to spend some time with those parts of yourselves that you may have taken for granted, abandoned or just plain forgotten about and acknowledge and validate their existence as part of you. As you go through this process or rediscovery you may come to appreciate in a whole new light the sheep of yourself that serve to feed and clothe you and as you do may you come into greater love and understanding of all of the aspects of who you are.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Two thirds of Parts & Labor is asleep in my studio right now. I can see parts of the them through the glass slats in the french doors that sit between the main room of my apartment and the dinette and kitchen. The boys are half way through their Spring tour and playing the Bottom of The Hill tonight.

I am not going to work today so that I can bum around the city with them before the show tonight.

Things in my world are strange aside from having two thirds of a noise band asleep in my house. Somehow that seems far more normal and welcome than a lot of the other crap.

Mostly work continues to be a mess - without going into gory details on the interweb I need to make a change (still) and I'm trying the best I can to make clean moves and be positive wherever I am in the process. This means not succumbing to the litany of nonsense that can rule my current job.

One of the reasons I have waited so long to make a change is because I wanted to 'do it right' and not leave one unreasonably challenging situation for another.

Whatelse - - - - ministers training concluded last week. I still need to post my sermon. It's been 2 years of spiritual training at a school - now I am flying solo, I still have a community of fellow practitioners that I hang and compare notes with but the every day week to week practicing is all up to me. Do I seek out additional spiritual training? Do I start an active Buddhist practice again? What's it gonna be!

Musically - wow - can you believe you even saw that word here on my blog in relation to me. Yes, musically I am seeking a reinvention. I played a little gig for a friend a couple of weeks ago and realized - the musician in me is a much bigger part of me than I ever realized - I just did it for so long I had no way to quantify it. Stopping music altogether for a time has done many things one of which has provided the opportunity to quantify. Anyway - I have ideas - but mostly I have the desire and I care very little about any kind of worldly success which seems like a breath of fresh air.

Looking at all of this I realize I've a choice - I can be daunted by all of this transition or excited about the potential and inevitable changes that are coming.

Monday, April 17, 2006

If God Is Love?

Before I post my sermon I want to write about about Love *again* - this time coming from a different perspective. I've talked to a lot of people recently and somewhat randomly about what they think God is ... most of them are people who do not identify with organized religion and lead what some folks might label as fairly hedonistic lifestyles - mainly because they are people for whom pleasure is a big part of their experience here on the planet.

All of them told me pretty simply that God is love.

I said to one, it's funny how love appears to us in so many different forms of god; one terrifying, another nurturing, sometimes a sexy god, other times a ruthless god. All of these are qualifications of our knowledge of god I believe are merely filters through which our perceptions allow, limit and influence how we experience love.

To me, if God is Love aren't all religious ideologies merely stories detailing the human experience and struggle to give and receive love to ourselves and each other?

Friday, April 14, 2006

Stacia's Sermon On The Mount

Okay - so I wrote it - my damn sermon. Actually it's pretty good. Tonight I have to deliver it.

So for those that don't already know, this minister's program I'm in requires that we read the Bible as well as write and deliver all parts of the service. The written parts must contain at least one quote from the Bible even though this class is not specifically Christian, about Christianity or a Christian indoctrination. It's all about being able to read religious text from a place of neutrality in order to see the original intension of what was written. I could be reading the Koran for all intents and purposes.

My interest in being a trained minister is mainly in being able to officiate funerals. But that's another blog entry altogether. Besides that I'm really only interested in keeping up my energy practice and teaching meditation eventually.

So here, today, on a Friday afternoon after a debaucherous Thursday evening I find myself preparing to give a sermon. A very strange life I live indeed.

My quotes tonight all come from Ezekiel. It's a little bit about the Lord, the shepherds and their straying sheep as a metaphor for the parts of ourselves that we let stray out of lack of love and acceptance. It's good - and subvertly Buddhist I'm proud to say! I'll post the text after it's delivered.

Wish me luck!
It Is Always Better To Travel With A Pack Of Girls

Oh my god. If I'd only known 15 years ago things may've been so different.

Last night there was only a fraction of the full PV Girl Posse in attendance but that was plenty.

We owned the dance floor. It was beautiful.

The evening started with a dance battle across the two platforms in the backroom of the Cat Club. What began as a friendly call and response between us and this insane guy (who we only guess must've been a male stripper in a previous life) to the tune of 'Space Age Love Song' turned into a serious showdown with different contestants taking the stage across the floor and attempting to out do us over the course of a couple of hours. In the end the PV Girls out go-go'd every combination of dancers.

As someone who considers themself a lifelong serious dancer this was a new adventure to me. I often show up solo and stake my spot on the floor early, work the groove for a good bit and then leave when things start to get hectic.

Last night was very different.

After the stage battle we got down on the main floor and cut it up for awhile. We'd made plenty of friends while on stage so between that and our number we had no problem coming up with all the room we needed. Either that or people were too afraid to deal - who knows.

Somewhere a little later in the evening we met two guys from Sweden and proceeded to create the most amazing scene of the evening. They were phenomenal. 3 PV girls and a couple of Swedes .... European men for better or worse seem to have less fear on the floor than a lot of sober American men. It's a generalization but go with it.

From there things just got hectic - dancers showing up all over the place trying to squeeze into PV Posse space - and we held it - which on a Thursday night at the freakin' Cat Club is saying something.

Michelle reminded me this morning that for a brief moment we slam danced. I think I may've been responsible for that. And given that none of us were drinking I can't blame any of it on booze.

I love my girls. They are the best.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Shows In San Francisco Not To Miss

I'm a slackity-slack-slacker today. This machine and the newly re-discovered sunlight own my ass.

2 shows worth posting and then I am out and off for the day only to enjoy an evening of dinner with EGibb and dancing with the girls - we'll see how I make it to work tomorrow.

Numero Uno: TV On The Radio - - - - - - - - two dates - - - - -
may 1 & 2 w/Celebration
at the Independent, S.F. 21+ $15 8:30pm/9pm **


Dose: Parts & Labor - - - - - - one date - - - - -

Bottom Of The Hill
04.27.06
w/ Wilderness, Year Future
http://www.partsandlabor.net/

Oh and for all you Mark E. Smith fans ..... The fuckin' Fall is also playing in May at the Independent.
Now I Know Just What To Do!

There I was, ringing my hands, shaking my head, without a clue as to how to navigate through the choppy waters of my life. And then, without warning this email arrived in my 'Junk' mail folder! Thank god I check it periodically to make sure any valid mail hasn't been misfiled because if I hadn't I would have missed this:


From : amil abbas ali shah
Reply-To : lkjhpoi@yahoo.com
Sent : Saturday, May 6, 2006 2:34 AM
Subject : cure black magic amil abbas ali shah


"Dear, friend!
One feels one is not getting one's due and can achieve much more. One is
pessimistic and depressed, with lack of enthusiasm or desire to live and rise in
life. One remains worried and tensed, never at peace, unable to relax, be happy,
and lead a normal life. Putting a Black magic spell on someone is very easy for those knowing even a little bit about Spells and Tantrik art. But to remove the Spell and eliminate it's sinister effects needs a high level of spiritual knowledge and expertise Black Magic becomes more chronic, dangerous and fatal with time, like a horrible disease which is left untreated. It spreads like a contagious disease, affecting the person's mind, brain, body, relationships, attitudes, work, money, marriage, career, and everything which makes life worth living I offer the most potent, powerful, protection spells." .....

"Demon's Effects ( Jinnat ka Saaya ) Improper Love Affairs Psyche Problems
Adversity Family Disputes Bounded Business Study Problems Visa Problems
Sexual Diseases Effects of Evil Spirit ( Aasaib ) Infertility Unemployment"

Hell, it isn't that I've moved, we've had 28 straight days of rain, and all the other aspects of my life in flux - it's some Black Magic Spell.

Thank god for the intarwebs.
What's A Girl To Do?

I'm working from home today - it's an easy feeling - in my pjs - at the table - drinking dark sumatra staring out the kitchen window onto the backside of Bernal Hill.

From here, everything is clear. I need to leave my job for reasons which do not include just not wanting to work. There are viable reasons for me to be disgruntled and seek employment elsewhere. Let us say simply that I am screwed between the combination of a glass ceiling, irresponsible boss above me and a group made up of people who I don't share a lot of work experience with it's a far, far less than ideal situation.

These are the days when a really strong ego could come in handy. So much of what I'm wading through is invisible, unprovable, all about perception. I think that the only really effective way to get through the morass of a perception festival is with an unshakeable sense of who you are, what you want, what you bring and what you're worth. And that requires some ego.

I am in the process of digging mine up - it's buried under the rubble of the dot com blow out, 9/11, failed relationships and 3 years without any of my own creativity in my life (read I stopped playing music). I used to shudder at the hubris with which I swaggered back in the day. Things having come slightly full circle and now I can see that right or wrong - good or bad - that hubris was there for a reason and at a time it served me well. I'm hoping for a deeper balance this time around.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Reverend Of The Church Of ??????

I have to pick one - I could be a Rev. of the Church Of Blue Eyed Soul - speaking of which go listen to James Hunter's new record on Rounder 'People Gonna Talk'. Makes me wish I was at a mod dance party. Also decided today I need to start my own R&B band - it's totally gonna happen.

But back to Rev.-dom ...... I was thinking Rev. Of The Church Of Thelonious Monk - maybe I should give Monk to my pal Michelle. Monk showed up in her dreams, played 'Every Breath You Take' by the Police and then she played his rendition for me - no fucking joke. It was impressive.

But Monk is my guy - the man who bridged the gap between my mind and jazz music. I owe him.

I've made it clear in my discussions with my ministers teacher that we do not have to include Christianity into our ministerial space. This is reassuring.

I told my friend Elizabeth that I'd make her a t-shirt that says 'Jesus Was An Asshole' since she declared it on the way home from our minister's class a couple of weeks ago.

How about this .... Rev. Stacia of The Church Of Sweet Melodies and Tight Grooves. Ohhhhhhhhh - I like that.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006


This is the view from my apartment. Finally .... some blue sky!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Where The Hell Is Spring?

Greetings from the 9th circle of hell - oh wait - that was last week. I've moved up in the ranks since then.

Kay - where am I? Oh it's raining - like non-stop - must be San Francisco where there's no Spring to be had.

Somebody pass me a full spectrum light bulb.