Creating From The Inside Out Part Deux

So I've reached the end, I'm 2 weeks from graduation and as I've written before one of my goals - my primary goal for this program was to learn how better to manifest my inward creativity outwardly.

Today, I'm home sick from work, it's day 4 of the head cold from hell. Colds actually any illness create an interesting opportunity for reflection and often depression to slip in. I seem to lose perspective, I'm usually alone, I sleep a lot and usually need to eat a lot which always worries me - that saying 'feed a fever - starve a cold' never seems to apply in my case.

Anyway - this time around I'm trying to stay somewhat balanced and think in light of my impending graduation think about creativity - mine - and how or what I'm going to do with it.

Yesterday morning I watched the somewhat mediocre, Prozac Nation. Something from the film struck me, as much as I don't like Elizabeth Wurtzel, I identified with her. She's got a line at the end where something like 'I started writing again and I stopped writing like my life depended on it'.

That is exactly how I've experienced creativity thus far in my existence. Create or die. It sounds mellow dramatic and on some levels is very much so (whether it's real or not) to have that belief circulating through your system while you're trying to create instantiates a pressure unlike any other. It is most primal and most frightening. It is the ultimate - fear of death.

I gave up an active pursuit of my creative activities because I was tired of being afraid and of all the pressure, anxiety, emotional upheaval, sadness, depression, rage - all of it - the fucking kaleidoscope of emotions accompanying any attempt on my part to create something.

Unlike Wurtzel, I never medicated legally or otherwise - I wanted to find my own way out - and that journey has taken me down a long and interesting road.

The piece of information I've gathered thus far that is most critical is the notion of an inside and the difference between the inside and the outside. Art in whatever form it takes is merely a manifestation of energy from the inside. It's not the energy itself. And maybe that's what sets creator apart from the created. We as creator have inherent to our being an energetic system. Whether that system comes from Jesus, God, Allah, Buddha or a very complex organization of star dust is beside the point - at least for today. We have energy - we are energy and with that energy we create - we create our lives, our choices, our lack of choices, our moods, actions, sculptures, pictures, holograms, etc., etc. on and on.

This differentiation points to a freedom - from the inside we have choice as to how we want to manifest, what we want to create and how we do so. The music is not me - it is simply a biproduct of my choices. Thus it's place of origin, as an organization of tones, is inside my head, as the consequence of my energy. Don't like the final stanza, make a different choice, looking for something deeper, richer bolder, make a different choice .... it's very simple .... aren't sure how the bridge works try hearing it from a different perspective or choose to remove it. And at the end of the day, good, bad or mediocre no one's going to hunt me down and kill me if the coda could use some work. Hell, Elizabeth Wurtzel's published what look like at least 2 or 3 more terrible books post Prozac Nation and no one's chopped off her head yet :-) In fact as it turns out she got accepted to Yale Law.

More Domestic By The Day ...

Last night I started my
Sewing 101 class at Stonemountain And Daughter over in Berkeley. Yes, it is true. This is a move forward in my quest to discover how much of the clothing design knack I possess and in the process I will become a little bit of a seamstress.

As part of the class I am making a pair of pajama bottoms using this lovely fabric called 'clouds of buddha' - it's a pinkish color with a print of swirling clouds in grey and green - perfect for sleepy time.

My grandmother would be very proud.

Parts & Labor Releases Stay Afraid

Chris's band's new baby- they are great - check it out.

Dreamscape By Set Fire To Flames

If you're looking for an interesting experience on a rainy afternoon I can now recommend napping to Set Fire To Flames release 'sings reign rebuilder'.

Let this recording take you to strange places while you're in that half dream half awake state that only occurs during lazy Saturday afternoon naps.

"You Were iFucked"

Yeah so this Saturday after reluctantly waiting the 3+ hours for my car to receive it's 'intermediate' maintainance (side note: someone pls tell me that the $200 I paid for injector and throttle body cleaning was necessary and feel free to resort to lying to me) I headed up to the city to try and grab some time at SFMOMA with the ArtCasts loaded onto my iPod Mini.

When I drop the casts onto my mini I made certain to properly disconnect the mini from my computer. After which I got into my car and plugged in my RoadTrip only to find that my iPod mini was not turning on. The clock was ticking and the museum closed at 5:45pm I figured I'd just continue on with the journey in the hopes that I could remember the iPod reset key combination along the way.

No such iLuck.

With mobile phone in hand I somewhat franticly started dialing anyone that I could think of that also had an iPod and might either remember the reset sequence or be near a computer with internet connection and willing to look it up for me. As I walked out of the Metreon parking garage it occured to me that within a 5 block radius of the Metreon and SFMOMA there had to be at least 10-20 people in possession of a iProduct and if things really got bad I could just try to make a new friend and get some iInfo that way. Fortunately, I got hold of Erik who was kind enough to look up the reset sequence just as I was coming up on the museum.

Unfortunately, strike two with the iLuck. My mini would not turn on and as my friend Deb pointed out to me later that evening I was 'iFucked'.

Have to try for artcasts next week as the mini seemed to be happy to be reset once plugged into my G5.

iWhatever.

The Energy Of Dreams

I reckon this relates to the idea that we always have *choice* with regard to how we choose to see the world and how we choose to see ourselves.

It's recently come to my attention that dreams or aspirations have an energy level of their own. My question is do their energy levels help us realize them or do they just help comfort us/provide us with a distraction or other way of seeing something - i.e. 'I'm having a crap day at work but I feel better when I remember my dream of living in London and thus my energy shifts'.

You see I'm a little concerned about distinguishing the difference between the path of distraction and the path of realization. It's needless to say that I prefer that of realization - it's a much more rugged path but god knows more rewarding over the long haul.

I know that somewhere in here I need to consider the important idea of living in the present - present time energy - and in relation to dreams this is where the red flag lifts. How do you realize a dream while remaining in present time? Are aspirations and dreams something that really are reflections of a past that we project into the future? And if there is no time and space where energy is involved can you ride the wave of the energy of a dream without getting sucked into the future or the past?

I lived in the energy of my dreams as a kid - I survived through them - everything that I abhorred I could stomach because I knew that *one day* things would be different. But as an adult I reaped the other side of that field and had to encounter the energetic upshot of my childhood objections and rejections. To look back at decisions I'd made and feel the guilt that accompanies regret - regret for all the disdain and judgment I heaped on others if only in my mind - it was painful and cause for a good deal of reflection.

Over the last few weeks I've begun to feel the stirring of dreams - some old - some new - I'm cautious about how to work with their energy and regard them. Although pragmatism aside aspiring to create something beautiful feels fucking fantastic.

What I See When I Wake Up

So this is what it looks outside the office I work in. I'm trying to pull a 7am-3pm schedule in order to reclaim my afternoons and evenings. When I decided to brave this task I didn't realize that I'd get to enjoy sunrise. I can't say that it helps get me out of bed but it does make me feel like the agony of an early rise it's a little bit more worthwhile.

The Fire Opera - Seven Deadly Sins

Erik called me tonight to ask me to be come to this show with him. I can't wait.

Brecht, Weill, fire and half naked people - what more could you want?

Yours In Apples

I am sitting at my kitchen table typing away on the apple powerbook while a mound of apples lay wait for some culinary destination. They are many, mostly of the Braeburn and Pink Lady variety and all but one have the important distinction of being certified organic. The one was a gift from my father he slipped it into a bag of food he sent me home with after Christmas.

So here I sit typing away waiting for some inspiration to hit me. What to do with all of these apples?

I've bombarded my friends and classmates with apple crumbles, apple and sweet potato bakes, hell I'd slip them into their bags if I thought I could get away with it without having to explain.

So, if you have a great recipe for apples send it my way. I am in need.
Epicurious has 632 and unless I get some great stroke of genius sometime soon I'll be stuck trolling through *all* of them.

SFMOMA ARTCASTS

http://www.sfmoma.org/education/edu_podcasts.html

I'm a fan of the headset commentaries at museums particularly for large exhibitions - they help keep me focused and I appreciate the education. As a result, these look super appealing. I'm gonna try to hit MOMA this week iPod Mini in hand and will report back!