Almost There

It's almost there, the end of the holidays, expectations, anxiety, obligations, annual occasions, uncomfortable encounters, misunderstandings, escapes, vacations, memories of past celebrations and grievances.

Thank god.

I am so happy you've no idea.

The best things that have or are to happen this week:

1. We got Deb moved into her new place in Oakland.

2. I got a new fabulous doctor who's mellowed me out.

3. We're having brunch at my place tomorrow.

4. Dengue Fever's playing tonight at Rickshaw Stop.

And, none, if any of this good stuff has anything to do with fucking Jesus or Mary or Wise Men or what-the-fuck ever.

DESIGN EBONY Jet Black Extra Smooth 14420

When Deb heard I was stuck with nothing but crayons she delivered these. My, my the right tools make such a big difference. I love these pencils. Thank you Deb-A-Rah.

Trading In My Edge

People talk about losing it.

I gave it up - willingly - consciously and for good reason.

And what's happening now is interesting because I'd not planned what to replace it with and there's definitely a void that's been left. I'm not scared or uncomfortable just noticing the hole and it goes to explain why things have not been the same.

Question is - what next then?

Antony And The Johnsons, Breakfast On Pluto And Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Today I finally listened to Antony and The Johnsons 'I Am A Bird Now', saw Breakfast On Pluto and subsequently came that much closer to realizing that there are changes to be made in my own world.

Why do I love and admire men who dress up as women, play with their gender roles and often exist completely outside the realm of conservative social convention? Because from where I stand for all the shit I imagine they must traverse they appear to be 100 times more free in their expression of who they are than I am. Funny how a lack of fundamental affinity with one's gender and the physical manifestation of that lack of affinity can appear free. Maybe what I see is the permission they give themselves to recognize and address that fundamental lack of affinity.

I feel alienated in my work situation now - I might as well be back in high school. There is definitely a lack of affinity between me and my team as a whole. Makes me want to act it out in some extreme way - just to bring it all up to the surface and laugh at it all instead of just sensing it and cringing.

I got to make some changes - this whole embracing and owning of my creativity - it's not the easiest thing I've ever done - it requires a certain amount of patience and subtltey within myself - but I know that it's the crux of important changes that will help me chart a course of greater affinity for myself.

The Picture In My Mind, The Memory In My Muscles And Realizing Vision

So while on break from school I have a lot more time on my hands in the evening and I'm kind of enjoying it.

Tonight, aside from posting here and cooking the cancer prevention menu for the evening, I decided to do some drawing. One of my goals for the clairvoyant training program was to work on manifesting inward creativity outwardly. It's sort of a catch all for learning how to own my creativity and create from a very conscious place.

So much of clairvoyant training has been about learning to see things outside of myself. Off and on throughout the program I've worked on creating outside of myself - like literally visualizing whatever it is I'm creating outside of my energetic space from a place of neutrality and working on it there. This really helped me see where I get caught in the creative process - most notably merging so totally with whatever I'm making that I lose objectivity and the whole process just kind of caves in on itself.

So tonight I was able to visualize a picture that I wanted to draw. It was/is a study in contrasts I suppose at least energetically that's how it looks. It took me a minute to get okay with working with construction paper and crayons - that was the extent of what I have on hand to work with. At first I was a little gunshy and I could feel my hand slipping into familiar patterns - it wanted to move - and I've definitely got a series of movements sitting in muscle memory - doodle patterns and shapes that my hand likes to make. So I had to slow down and not succumb to the whims of memory - shit if I could only master that on an emotional level so many problems would be no more - but I digress. So the next hurdle was *how* to draw what I saw - I lack the mastery of technique of a schooled visual artist - and for a second my novice status was intimidating - but I kept at it - and decided to start with shapes - draw shapes that signify the image in my mind. With a little bit of trust and a whole lot of who gives a fuck I was on my way and I have to say that there is something to this .... I don't know what just yet but it seems like a step along the path to realizing vision.

In The Battle Of Hipper Than Thou Which Horse Do You Back? ..... And What Does It Have To Do With Music Anyway?

So, last year I spent a good 6 months building this site; the founder is a ex-coworker from CMJ and just prior to my leaving CMJ asked if I would build the site. The site was built ostensibly for free in the evening after I came home from my day gig at a private aviation company (I'm now in my second year free from the clutches of the music industry).

At some point we discussed nominees for the website of the year award and the Brainwashed site was discussed. I realized that I knew it's founder from my days as a store clerk at Tower Records in Boston. I sent off an email to said founder mostly saying "hey - long time no see" and never heard back.

I should mention, I really like what Brainwashed does; it reminds me a bit of our fair Aquarius Records here in San Francisco in terms of depth of content. Also they host for some artists that are really dear to my heart.

So for some reason I was recently cruising around the site and stumbled upon this blog posting: The Williamsburg iPod Awards and sure enough it was about the site that I built last year. The author took great relish in tearing it apart.

"Recently brought to my attention by a Brainwashed colleague, the online-based "PLUG Independent Music Awards" touts itself as representing a "community coming together to recognize its own." Yet, judging by the choices on the ballot, the "plug" of its namesake apparently serves instead as a tool to keep both the organizers' and participants' heads securely buried within their own assholes.

Anyone reading this could probably recognize most, if not all of the artists deemed worthy enough for nomination by the self-described "music lovers." From safe-for-whitey rappers like Atmosphere to quirky weirdos like Devendra Banhart, the list of nominees reads like a Williamsburg iPod Mini. How can representatives of the so-called "PLUG Cartel" claim with a straight face to be above "the scans or the scrilla" when so many of the nominated artists have arguably sold the most "indie" records this year and received the most positive press coverage from "indie" outlets? Perhaps because they also represent the 'zines, shops, and, most insidiously, the labels that peddle these artists?

Taking that into context, "PLUG is about the music" sounds equally as shallow and obnoxious as anything out of P. Diddy's misguided 2004 "Vote or Die" campaign. Such sloganeering is about as revolutionary as Hot Topic or MTV2, and equally as self-serving. Clearly, appearing cool to hipster fuckheads and wannabe snobs defines PLUG better than any provided statement of purpose. ...."

I have to say I wasn't surprised by what was written in this post; in fact as I built the damn thing I almost predicted quip by quip the issues the writer had with the site. I could see all of it stack up as I stayed up nights debugging sql queries. Plug's main problem in the battle for street cred is its ties to the machine that is the music business - independent or not - this was not a site that was conceived by kids hanging out in their basement and while I may've programmed the whole fucking thing from the futon of my living room that doesn't cut the mustard.

The real tricky bit from my perspective in the battle of hipper than thou which horse do you back?

This question has rolled around in my head for years from every different vantage point I've stood in mise-en-scene of music making.

For awhile during my time in the land of cash and exuberance (read San Francisco circa 1998) I put my money on technology particularly when it came to entertainment and music business. One of the companies I worked for during that era was purchased by Real Networks and the other went bankrupt.

Prior to that I lived the life of starving artist dwelling in what would come to be the hipster mecca of America - South Williamsburg - 1995. While there I worked for Jive Records and a classical concert production company; in the end I left because I couldn't stand the starving part and I felt like working in the industry was a cop out.

Post Williamsburg and pre dot-com I lived in an office building on Market Street and 6th in San Francisco (sans proper bathroom and kitchen) illegally with my boyfriend and his band so that we could make music. I got tired of going to the YMCA to catch a shower so I learned how to sling code so I could afford both a place to bathe and to make music.

Post dot-com I moved back to New York to get back to supporting a business and let go of the ego that came with the drive to innovate - I ended up toiling away for CMJ waiting for its other shoe to drop.

It was all a compromise from one perspective or another - every scenario - every choice - every lifestyle - none of it works and all of it can be done.

The *real bitch* of it is that when I've had the opportunity to talk with artists that I admire who are 20 years my senior they all tell me that there's no way in hell they could have done what they did then now.

So to those casting stones I have to ask - why bother? Does it really matter? Who the fuck cares if Plugawards is the Williamsburg iPod Awards? Who the fuck cares what trendy hipster youth culture no thought all consuming other people think about? If you really care about the music that's all there is. If you want something more than the convenient offerings of your local chain record store then you probably also know how to go looking for that something more and I'll bet you a nano-pod that you take great fucking anti-hipster-hipster pride in the exploits of your pursuits.

The Sound In Your ....

Hmmmm, don't quite yet know what to make of this one but it's definately for real.

"The mesmerizing Audi-Oh is the very first vibrator that vibrates to the throbbing beat of music, sexy talk, or any external sounds. It's a pearl-shaped clitoral vibrator with a soft silicone butterfly and has a thin elastic harness that allows you to strap it in place. The Audi-Oh will then vibrate to music coming from your stereo or directly from your iPod, other MP3 player or portable music device while you listen through your headphones...."

Enough Glooom And Dooom

There are two new movies coming out this weekend that are putting a smile on my face .....

Breakfast On Pluto
check the cast - Stephen Rea, Cillian Murphy, Liam Neeson

"Set in the 1970’s, Breakfast on Pluto follows the exploits of Patrick Braden, an endearing, but deceptively tough young man. Abandoned as a baby in his small Irish hometown and aware from a very early age that he is different, Patrick survives this harsh environment with the aid of his wit and charm, plus a sweet refusal to let anyone and anything change who he is."

Transamerica
"Stanley is a perfectly adjusted, conservative trans-sexual who’s about to take the final step to becoming Bree, the woman he always wanted to be - until he finds out that he is the parent of a long-lost 17 year old son. Afraid to tell the rebellious teen-ager the truth, he embarks on a journey with him that will challenge and change both their lives."

Oh did I mention that they're both about men with gender identity issues. Makes me so happy.

And tonight! Tonight I've decided to take in Syriana and while the synopsis doesn't boast tales of men with gender identity issues the cast does contain a couple of my favorite male actors namely Chris Cooper and Jeffery Wright.

"Syriana is a gripping and fascinating tale of political intrigue that spans three continents, its focus trained on the volatile Middle East. It's a global portrait of danger, deception and disillusionment, with no dearth of human casualties."

The Only Way Out Is Up

So I had a crap weekend. I mean an absolute crap weekend. Like the worst 2 1/2 days I've had in a year. And it's funny timing, as of Friday evening my school was officially closed for Winter Break. Normally when having a crap day I could go to school, meditate, work with one of my teachers or classmates do some energy shifting and 2+ hours later things would usually be humming again. Not so this time around - no - this was like a little preview of what life will be like on the other side when I graduate in February from Clairvoyant Training. No training wheels.

It's funny, when people who've attended my school talk about it they often liken it to Hogwarts, the magic school of the Harry Potter series. There is something magical about the place but not in a broomstick and eye of newt sort of way. People create amazing things and changes for themselves while they're there and all the work they do ultimately is of there own accord - no one will tell you what to do there - it's all about trusting your own information. There are techniques and a vocabulary that we learn as students but those are really just tools - the real work comes from within each student - just like in the Harry Potter series.

Well I flailed miserably this weekend succumbing to my own emotional meltdown as anyone who had to communicate with me I'm sure will attest. I nearly carried it into this week with me when I caught myself slipping into a mood this morning. And then something really interesting happened, for one second it occurred to me that I had choice. Now I'd been meditating on choice all weekend long, choice to feel miserable, choice to see things as darkly as I was seeing them, my yoga teacher even said in class on Friday 'that's all we've got in this life, nothing but choices'. Finally this morning I was able to firmly shift into choice and out of the funk. I realized for 10 seconds that the only way out was going to be up. And somehow I was able to do what I couldn't seem to do all weekend.

Tis The Season Of God Only Knows What

I'm not a big fan of this time of year. The winter weather itself depending on which coast I am living on and for how long can be wonderful (for a minute) but what we as a people do with our energy is just well it's something I'd rather sleep through.

This year I started off with some decent strategies - basically to keep things as mellow as possible and just stay focused on the present moment.

And this is what's rolled downhill thus far ......

Day Before Thanksgiving - hear the news that Chris Whitley died of lung cancer

Thanksgiving - A marginally civil day spent with my immediate family. It's proclaimed a success because there were no fights, no one stormed out, no one cried and to make all this happen no one spoke very much.

Four Days After Thanksgiving - hear the news that the first boy to ever flirt with me at a dance club died of a brain aneurysm

One Week After Thanksgiving - successful wavefront intralase laser eye surgery performed on yours truly

2 1/2 Weeks After Thanksgiving - receive call from doctor informing me of pre-cancerous cell changes in a test result

1 Week Before Christmas - people are insane, i'm losing it and the anxiety in the air is too much, i have no plans for either holiday - part of me wants to completely blow it off and check out until Jan 2, 2006 and some other part of me wishes for something very different. I really hate this time of year - it seems like it doesn't matter where you end up alone or surrounded by others - it's a challenge to just be.

This Is What Outdoor Ice Skating In California Looks Like

Note the palm trees in the background :-)

!!!, Tussle and Von Iva at The Mezzanine

This show was something ..... I *heart* !!! more than you know.

Epitonic describes their sound, "....if Sly and the Family Stone had come of musical age as smart working class blokes in late '70s England hanging about with Gang of Four and The Fall. !!!'s rhythms are as nervous and jittery as they come, flayed by thin wiry guitars, then transformed into a strange kind of manic funk by sweaty horns that come in out of nowhere."

7 members, percussionist doubles on alto sax, drummer doubles on vox while percussionist takes the kit and plays alto, lead singer dances like a mad man from beginning to end of show, 2 members appear from time to time playing horns one on bari sax and the other on trumpet, the sweltering crowd shakes it just as intensely as the lead singer and the kicker - these geeky dudes who 20 something hipsters have come to adore are from Brooklyn by way of Sacramento. Awesome!

Psychotic Playlists Pt. II

I think I've found yet another new hobby for myself .... creating the most disturbing collection of songs using prefab'd playlists from online music providers .... today it was tracks Rhapsody's Hawaiian sampler next to their 'Greatest Hits' list for Thompson Twins.

As my boss said when he accidental okay'd and sent out an email containing the replacement of inconvenience with incontinence using a spell checker program 'i love me .....'

What Is Music?

It's late morning on Saturday, I'm avoiding diving into my list of stuff to do and instead tooling around the net looking for interesting streams to listen to between tracks in my iTunes Library.

I just went from Queen's "Radio Ga-Ga" to Samarai Celestial "Celestial Enlightenment" - earlier this morning it was Roots Manuva and Antibalas Afrobeat Orchestra interspersed with tracks from Chris Whitley's "Living With The Law" followed by Cinematic Orchestra.

At some point during this I got an email that Robert Randolph and The Family Band will be playing at the Yahoo! Holiday Party I am attending with Erik tonight. They of course are not the headliner - the freaking headliner is Earth Wind And Fire.

My head started to spin inside, "where I am?", this "playlist" is taking me in 150 different directions one right after the other and tonight I'll be..... where .... Robert Randolph's sure to take me to some gospel paradise in the midst of a 7,000 person party of the hightest corporate order.

Amidst the cacophony I thought to myself "this is psychotic, what the fuck is music anyway?" To call all of these widely divergent expressions one thing seems to point to the idea that that one thing - music - really ought to be redefined in our culture.

Like I think it's easy in our consumer driven society to think of music strictly in terms of the forms in which we consume it instead of the broad form of expression that it is.

Once you push the CDs, iPods, Rhapsody Subscriptions, Limewire tracks away music is a portal to vibrational dimensions that may or may not exist in the vibrational reality we live, breath and wander around in.

So what does that make musicians anyway?