Small Is The New Black

Okay, so yeah, I'm moving and with a 2 1/2 week overlap between apartments I have some *time* to really assess the shift I am making by virtue of this relocation.

Let us review for those of you just tuning in. I am moving out of a 1 bedroom apartment in Millbrae to a, ahem, studio apartment in San Francisco's Mission District. It was a somewhat spur of the moment decision if you don't count the 2 years I've been in Millbrae telling people that I'd eventually be moving back to the city when they asked me why I lived in Millbrae. Well, the one sentence recap is that Millbrae is about a 7 minute drive from my office. So shut the fuck up and go home. Oh wait ... I am home. Anyway ..... I made the decision to move to a studio in the Mission rather quickly knowing full well that it was going to be a significant shift.

I'll preface the selling of 'small as the new black' by saying that my bases are covered - despite the small new digs there is a parking space that belongs to me underneath my new building. In the Mission this space goes a long way.

So without further adieu ....

Three Reasons Why Small Is The New Black:

1. Consolidation of physical stuff is good for the psyche.

2. Efficicent utilization of space creates efficiencies in other areas of one's life.

3. A smaller apartment calls for more time spent outside of home visiting parks, museums, cafes, bookstores and other destinations that a good urban environment provide which in turn serves as the basis for connection with a larger community.

Judgement

Somewhere between pragmatic discernment and primal or not so primal fear the big bad wolf judgement appears. When it does all flow ceases, bodies get tight and stiff and intensions get lost.

It's easy to let this happen - to let the energy of judgement win - to allow it to suck up the limelight and engulf the stage of life. Our habits, memory, genetics and programming comply willingly as it seems judgement is the ellusive salve for fear.

But there is another way and it's often overlooked as it's quiet, calm, and fluid. It's the path of the small, stillness wherein knowingness lives knowing no separations, good and bad as one and laughter the eager friend of fear.

We Must Be Still And Still Moving

Breathe out ..... breathe in ...... follow the breath and see the thoughts float by. Label them 'thinking' and return to the breath.

I am checking out some Buddhist breathing meditation techniques after having put them on the shelf to go through clairvoyant training. It's interesting to return to them after 1,000+ meditation hours using different techniques.

I think I am most struck by the contrast between stillness of mind and body and mental chatter and physical distraction. To be still and still moving can be very challenging - I've done it in the past by stuffing my physical sensations into a sock somewhere and bribing my body into submission telling it 'just shut up now i'm going to fix things for both of us' and yet the body has a wealth of wisdom that really ought not be ignored.

I learned through my training how the body and being can communicate - what parts of the energetic structure facilitate the communication and I definitely learned how to listen to my body. But missing through all of this was how to work with the body in a meditation space, how to address the aches and pains, the physical distractions. Yoga is ultimately a preparation for meditation but here in the West we still think about it as a means for achieving the 15" waist.

This could be something very interesting indeed - I wonder now if I honored my body's information and actually worked with it instead of acknowledging and shelving it how different my life might be ....

I read this, smashing the hope for love

(From BURNT NORTON, No. 1 of 'Four Quartets', by T.S. Eliot)

In my beginning is my end.

I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love,
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.

Love is most nearly itself
When here and now cease to matter.
Old men ought to be explorers
Here or there does not matter
We must be still and still moving
Into another intensity
For a further union, a deeper communion
Through the dark cold and the empty desolation,
The wave cry, the wind cry, the vast waters
Of the petrel and the porpoise. In my end is my beginning.

Holi-Day - Get Down With Your Internal President

Ahhhh - no work - well no office work, no screaming-in-silent teammates who can't or don't express themselves verbally, no repressed corporate attire, no grey walls, no accounts receivable or payable, this does constitute a holy day.

It's called Presidents Day - maybe what we could be honoring is not just the presidents of the past our dear Washington and Lincoln - but the 'presidential' in all of us however that manifests.

Merriam-Websters has four or five definitions for president. Here's one to look at:

"the chief officer of an organization (as a corporation or institution) usually entrusted with the direction and administration of its policies"

Isn't there a president within each of us? The person within entrusted to directing and administering our own internal policies - those being our path in life made up of values, beliefs, non-beliefs, dreams, aspirations, longings, knowings, feelings etc., etc.?

Je suis fini!

I graduated. Tonight is/was my first Monday night in 18 months where there was no clairvoyant training school to go to. I did laundry, made lemon pound cake and watched The Butterfly Effect instead after a taking the day off from work.

You can call me Rev. Carr or Rev. Stacia now; some people are shy about revealing themselves as Revs but I say why the hell not. If someone is really interested in what I did to become one or why I chose to do so or what it means I'd hope they'd simply ask rather than judge blindly.

Why is it that people are so afraid of the spirituality and beliefs of others?

Anyway, that's too big a question to push around tonight. This Rev is tired and has 18 months of missed sleep to catch up on.

Peace-
Rev. S

I Have Gone Missing?

Within the span of 24 hours two different friends each on opposite sides of the country have left me email on the subject of their feeling that I've gone missing.

It's rather funny because I've been with me the whole time so I'm not sure where I might have been other than where I was - so how is it that I've gone missing? That's neither here nor there I suppose.

Rest assured - I am right here.

Something's Going To Break

It's one of those days when I feel like the only way to get the kind of relief I need would be to take a sledgehammer to pile of glass windows and smash them into oblivion. The type of day when you need to strip naked and dance on table tops - not as a form of exhibition but as a release from ridiculous pressure.

My horoscope for this weekend reads:

"Push is coming to shove. The irresistible force is heading rapidly towards the immovable object. Decision day is on the way. You can sense it. That's why you feel so edgy and restless. Something, soon, is due to give way in a big way... but what? How? When? And where will you be once it has happened? Let's cover those questions, in order. The 'what' is YOU-KNOW-WHAT. The 'how' is 'dramatically', but not in a bad way or in quite the way you now expect. The 'when' is 'soon'. And the 'where' is - 'in your heart'... which is about to start feeling much happier."

I can't fucking wait. In the meantime, I'll be hanging out in Oakland, fully clothed blowing off steam.

It's Official
This is a picture of the lobby in my new building.

I'm moving - today with tape measure in hand I mapped out the beginnings of my transition from my one bedroom in Millbrae to my studio in the Mission. I'm losing about 1/3 of my space but I'm gaining an awesome view, great location and proximity to my friends and community. For these reasons downsizing is worth it. The new pad is pretty damn cute.

I think I'll still have crash space for my friends from the East Coast - it just won't be quite as private.

Did I mention parking? There's a parking space just for me underneath the building!

And the roof - I have roof access.

Tattoos Burritos and Wedding Chapel Vs. Tattoos Burritos And Guns

Yesterday afternoon as I collected various apartment rental application forms I had to finally acknowledge the fact that I am moving. I've been spying rental listings in San Francisco and the East Bay for awhile, contemplating various housing issues in the back of my mind but never full on allowing myself to say "I'm moving" to anyone including myself.

My first 'public' effort towards finding a new place to lay my hat led me to an interesting place of contemplation. While I stood outside of an apartment building on the corner of 25th and Bartlett in the Mission District I smiled noting how different this corner was from the corner of 18th and Capp where I'd been to see an apartment Sunday afternoon.

Across the street from Bartlett and 25th is a small Mexican wedding Chapel, further down the block a tattoo parlor and rounding the corner back onto Mission Street itself a couple of tacquarias. 18th and Capp is not so different, there's the odd tattoo shop somewhere intermingled with auto body repair shops and more than one tacquaria but what my dear, dear friends won't let me forget is that on 18th and Capp you might also run into someone packing heat. A little different from the wedding chapel vibe to say the least; I guess unless we're talking shotgun weddings.

18th and Capp St. dwelling is a 30'by 16' loft space in a 6000sq ft warehouse with 14' ceilings. There's no heat or proper bathtub and the warehouse space houses a stock film company and all of it's film. Canister after canister of film.

25th and Bartlett habitat is a huge old beautiful 7 story building constructed in the 1930's spanish villa style. The units feature mahogony wood, gorgeous tiled bathrooms and views of the city to-die-for. Did I also mention that compared to the sprawl I live in now these units are a post stamp. There's parking spaces underneath the building.

So you can see my dilemma. I've lived in hell - I know how to do it - South Side of Williamsburg, Brooklyn in 1994 was no picnic - 6th st. and Market living illegally in the Warfield building wasn't exactly country living unless we're talking about crack country. Just because I can stomach living in the dodgey underbelly of an urban jungle - should I? The idea of gobs of unstructured loft space is dreamy just about as dreamy as that beautiful view from the top floor of a 7 story building.

Oy. What's a girl to do?

Last Class - More Than One Life At A Time

Tonight was my last class of the 2 year Clairvoyant Training program I've been working through since I moved back to California in May of 2004.

As part of a graduating student's last class they are given an opportunity to ask any questions they like. I had three. One specific to the school's choice of names for our rooms, another for something I'd once heard advanced students discussing while I was a beginning student and the third was about something I already knew the answer to.

If energy has no time and space can you live more than one life at the same time?

The answer is 'yes'.

My teacher added 'there's usually a commitment issue involved'.

Isn't there always?

Messages
The prized songbird in Singapore
warbles for the rooster of Bangladesh
The boy standing in front of him smiles
admiring his pride
The cock walk and red plummage would be something to laugh at
if they weren't so brilliant
a welcome sight amongst rubble and dust
Transcending any restrictions their stations might imply
they know something more than the watchful eye behind the camera's lense
They know something more than you or I

Shifting
Love was hate
and permission of a source dependent
Shipped in from Belgium or China
Mental constructions
convincing and contemplating
creating a reservoir
to amplify my hesitating
They are over now
And over forever more